Why aren’t you dating?

A redux

Christiana White
9 min readMar 21


Photo by Laura Ockel on Unsplash

I’ve tried to write about why I’m not dating before, and I think I’ve failed. I wasn’t honest. I didn’t go deep enough. There are many reasons I’m not dating even though I want to. Some are surface-level, some are deep. Some are logistical, some are age-related (I suppose..?). All are probably excuses. Why, really, am I not dating, when I want a lover?

Right there, in the word “lover,” is a clue. Note I didn’t say boyfriend. But, why not? Do I really not want a boyfriend? Why did I choose to say lover? Is that, already, a sort of giving up?

You see, it’s easier to say I want a lover. Since ability-to-commit is one of my issues, “lover” is less threatening.

But, I’m a gal like any other, a human like any other. I want what everyone wants, and what so many seem to find damningly elusive. Perhaps I still have the Cinderella mindset, expecting a knight to gallop up on a steed, like in Jane Eyre, dashing and magnificent, and scoop me up on his saddle. It’s heady stuff. Erotic too. And fun, for sure.

It’s a complicated time for men and women and girls and boys and everything in between, and there are a million directions this post could go. I don’t myself know where it will go or what I want to say. This is an exploration, or simply throwing paint on the canvas.

So, yes, I want a boyfriend. A boyfriend who is also a lover. Or a lover who could, over time, become a boyfriend.

But, on the eve of 55, and in this era of online dating, which I hate, I find myself cast into a desert.

I used to be confident with the opposite sex. I loved flirting and being flirted with. God, yes, I love a good flirt. Which is one of the saddest things about today’s dating climate. Is there any flirting left at all? Or is everyone frozen in fear?

I’m a mother of a son and a daughter. I can see how the Me Too Movement affected them.

Sure, the Me Too Movement was important in its efforts to right truly egregious injustices.

But, as usual, as humans are wont to do, I fear we’ve thrown (or are still in the process of throwing) the baby out with the bathwater, once again.



Christiana White

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